Someone sent a random sales email to our info@ address this morning. The person works for a smaller email marketing software company. Since my background is in sales from the same industry, I decided to critique the sales copy and send it back to him.
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The sales guy’s original email
Hello,
I came across your web site and thought I’d make an introduction. I see that one of your service offerings is providing email marketing to your clients. My company, Company’s Name, has a private-labeled email marketing solution geared specifically for agencies like yours. Please visit the link below to get an overview and then you can request a demo from their or email me directly if you’re interested in learning more.
link
Thanks!
Sender’s Name
Aside from the error of typing “their” instead of “there”, a weak call-to-action, and the irony of receiving spam from an email marketing software company, my biggest critique was So What? That goes through my mind each time I read or write sales copy. Why should this matter to me? Why is this important? What can this product or service possibly do to improve my life? [Note: Mark Magnacca has a helpful book on the topic of “So What?”]
Most people delete random sales emails. But not me. I edited the original and sent the dude an improved version.
Revised email copy
I came across your website on [reference where you found me so that I’m not weirded out] and noticed that you work with [insert whatever the prospect specializes in]. My company, Company Name, has been providing a private-labeled email marketing solution geared for agencies since 1999. This is significant because we have helped a number of firms like yours close more deals, deliver value to their clients, and generate additional revenue with less time investment.
I’d like to show you how our product compliments your [insert prospect’s product or service] by showing you a 30 minute personalized demo of our email software. Are you available on Friday at 3pm EST?
Thanks,
P.S. Here is an overview of our email marketing solution for agencies (link).
Yea, your reviewed version looks much better. Did you get a reply from the sales guy? 🙂
you’re totally right, the “corrected” version is much better, especially with the call to action, enhanced by its position in the text: at the end. That’s what you’re gonna remember from the email.
The Sales reply should also be informative. Did he get back to you ?
@Toni & Jerome The sales guy did send me a quick note. Here was his reply:
“Thanks for the response. I wanted to assure you this was not part of some mass email job sent out randomly to agencies. I simply came across your website, thought it was nice and sent you an email as a kind of introduction. The info@ was the only address on your site so that’s what I used.
Again sorry for the inconvenience.
PS.
Thanks for the advice on how to craft an email, but honestly this was kind of off the cuff, hence the spelling error.”
My critique probably caught him off guard, so I can understand some defensiveness. Anyone who has tried to sell something has experienced writing a bad sales email (I’ve written a lot fo bad sales copy). I’ve been called out in the past from prospects and it was not fun (helpful, but not fun).
It’s interesting that he went with the info@ address for contacting us when each Elias partner’s personal twitter & Linkedin accounts are on our team page.